Ways That I Have
Been Introduced
Been Introduced
This article was originally published on various billboards across my hometown.
“Now here is the only man I know who looks dumber with glasses on…”
“Way to ruin a wedding, Bongo Boy!”
“Now let’s hear from a man who told me to tell all of you that he is the tallest person in the room…”
“This is… David?”
“Someone who probably knows the name of the type of train we are on.”
“Our next speaker is a man who does not know the meaning of the words ‘do not drink, fountain contaminated!!’”
“A young Bernie Sanders in appearance and voice only…”
“Four-time Napolean Dynamite Look-Alike Contest runner-up…”
“An adult who looks like an alien dressed as what a child thinks an adult looks like...”
“Way to ruin a wedding, Bongo Boy!”
“Now let’s hear from a man who told me to tell all of you that he is the tallest person in the room…”
“This is… David?”
“Someone who probably knows the name of the type of train we are on.”
“Our next speaker is a man who does not know the meaning of the words ‘do not drink, fountain contaminated!!’”
“A young Bernie Sanders in appearance and voice only…”
“Four-time Napolean Dynamite Look-Alike Contest runner-up…”
“An adult who looks like an alien dressed as what a child thinks an adult looks like...”
“David, right?”
“A real goody-bad-shoes…”
“And now, someone who has either never seen a single episode of The X-Files or has seen every episode of The X-Files many times…”
“This is the guy who made my boyfriend’s Halloween costume!”
“Seltzer super-fan...”
“I am excited to introduce to you my very good friend David...”
“A man with the deepest falsetto I’ve ever heard…”
“This is the guy I was telling you about, the guy who knows the difference between a chowder and a bisque and loves to explain. David, right?”
“For all you Muppet fans, here comes Big Bird and Bert combined...”
“Basketball Jones!”
“Proud Monkeybone enthusiast…”
“Reverse-gymnast…”
“My son, David.”
“Slender-Man’s fat cousin…”
“You’re the guy that calls every morning and orders a ‘days-worth’ of minestrone. I got you.”
“This is the man who could have saved your husband but instead chose to shout the color of the car speeding towards him...”
“Self-proclaimed puppeteer…”
“Next up is a man who says he lets his flugelhorn do the talking…”
“¡El Pajaro Gigante!”
“The guy who should be more like his brother, David.”