DS
How To Be on a
Talk Show

The following is an excerpt from my book How To Be on a Talk Show. The book was self-published because I couldn’t trust other publishers with information this valuable/un-verified.
 Are you a celebrity? First of all, congratulations! Becoming a celebrity is hard. Whether it was through acting, music, crime, or baseball, you have managed to do something that made you famous. But now what? You can’t just become famous once. You have to keep being famous or risk evaporating into the cultural ether.

How can we (celebrities) cut through the cheese and keep those precious ooey-gooey eyeballs on us? There are dozens of ways to do this. You could take out an ad in the newspaper. You could have a mental breakdown. Or– and this way is my favorite– you could appear on a talk show!

For centuries, talk shows have been the number one way for celebrities to proclaim “here I am!” And I would know!

Who the fuck am I, you ask? Watch your mouth and listen, you little punk. I became famous a few years back after I rode my bicycle up the main support cable of the Brooklyn Bridge. Everyone was fascinated by my story until I went on a talk show (Wednesdays with Gordan Puntarelle) and it became obvious that I had absolutely no motivation for driving up the bridge and ended up biking up there by accident because I was daydreaming about being on a talk show. I guess circle of lifes do happen!

Since then, I have kept a tight mental list of bits, stories and anecdotes at the ready in case the opportunity should re-arise. In the meantime, I will pass the savings on to you, other celebrities, because those who can’t do, teach. And those who can teach, do (for a substantial amount of money please insert payment info below I know you famouses have the cash.)

So strap-in, follow these tips, send me money, and get ready to become the perfect talk show guest!!!
01. The Entrance
Folks, it’s called an “entrance” for a reason. It is supposed to be entrancing. When you are first revealed to a talk show audience, you don’t want to seem too serious or too cocky. You definitely don’t want to trip over your shoelaces because you were concentrating too hard on waving so you stumble for what feels like an eternity and you fall into the band and you land inside of the tuba and the tuba player blasts out a big note and you shoot out of the tuba and land right on top of Gordan Puntarelle and you break his hands and he is not happy about it so he really lets you have it during the interview and it ruins whatever traction you had going which, to me, is classic gotcha journalism. Anyway here are a few ways you can make an entrancing entrance!
  • The talk show’s host will stand up to embrace you as you enter. This is a good opportunity for you and the host to switch places. Trade clothing with the host. After the show, go live in their house. Drive their car. Raise their children. You’ve finally made it!

  • Enter staring at your phone. When you sit down, apologize and say you’re sorry but you had to check your stocks. Keep rudely trying to double-task during the interview. Keep screaming “I’M RUINED” and/or “I’M RICH!” Take us on a ride!

  • Pretend you are being chased and you don’t know how you ended up here but now you have to roll with it.

  • Okay, so picture this: you step onto the stage with bloody bandages on your cheeks. Blood is pouring out from under the bandages. Avoid mentioning the cheeks as long as you can. “You are staring at my buccals, aren’t you?” you eventually ask the crowd. Well, you just had your buccal fat removed. What did they do with the buccal fat they took out? Bestow upon the host a large, dripping sack labeled “CELEBRITY BUCCAL FAT — DO NOT REUSE” as a gift!

  • Emerge atop a majestic English Mastiff.
    02. The Bit
    After you nail your entrance and sit on The Couch™, you enter the “bit” phase of the interview. In my opinion, this is one of the most important phases of the whole thing. A “bit” is like a joke that keeps happening over and over again until everyone needs a commercial break. Here are some groovy ideas for bits that will amuse hosts and audiences alike even though they are NOTHING alike!
    • Not musically inclined but still want to be obnoxious? Have someone bring you a guitar mid-interview. Tune the guitar and strum a chord. Then give the guitar back to the person who gave it to you and say “there, that should be in tune but next time please wait until after the interview.”

    • Talk about how you are just so bad at karaoke. Of course, the host and the naive saps in the crowd will tenderly goad you to sing. Play coy for a bit, then cave and say “give me a microphone!” Immediately start airing your horrible political views. While the host tries to wrestle the mic away from you, reiterate that you are very bad at karaoke.

    • For this idea, you’ll need a water source. This could be anything, like a toilet or a gulch. Tell the host that you tried so hard to prevent spoilers about your newest project but you heard there was a leak. Then put on your snorkel and let’er rip!

    • Ask the crowd if they like impressions. When they answer affirmatively, start to panic. You did not expect anyone to like impressions. What is wrong with these people? You’re already you, why do they want to see you be someone else? Try to do one impression and give up. Keep apologizing.

    • Is your name Gregory? Here is a bit For Gregs Only (“FGO” in the biz.) Dig on this quality interaction:
    Bang!! The audience is in the pocket of your hands like butter! Speaking of pockets…
    • If your talk show appearance falls near a holiday you can use this to your advantage. Is it Rosh Hashanah? Fill your pockets with loose kasha and present your pocket kasha mid-interview. “I brought kasha! Where are the varnishkes?” you can say. Then start poking around in the host’s pockets. Bonus points if you actually find varnishkes in there.

    • Is it Christmastime? Tell Talk Show Host your specific Christmas traditions, like wearing a football jersey and having a BBQ at the Christmas stadium. When Talk Show Host points out that these are Super Bowl traditions, you can break down in tears and admit that you’d never heard of Christmas until you arrived at the studio but you felt pressured to talk about it. Then, point to the crew member who pressured you (it’s the cue card guy and he is dressed like Jesus and the cue card he is holding has beautiful scripture written on it.)

    • Is it Arbor Day? Bring a mighty oak tree with you.
    “Sir,” you begin to say because I have told you to address me as such, “what if I’m am no am good talking at?” Sounds to me like you are bad at talking. This can get tricky, as “talk” is literally right there in the words “talk show” (it’s the first one.) Well, congratulations because celebrities interviewing badly is so in the zeitgeist right now. I almost wish I wasn’t so good at it, but I am. And I would know! Here are some fun ideas to try if you are desperate.
    • Be awkward! Be cagey! Internet will call you “mother.” The young people will say you “altered their brain chemistry” which I think just means horny?

    • Dare the host, the crowd and the nice people at home NOT to see your movie. “I get paid either way” you can say, a lit cigarette between each finger of both hands.

    • Audiences love when celebrities reveal that they are actually boring. Reveal an embarrassing high school photo. Newsflash: it’s just a normal, boring picture of you as a teenager which, statistically, is when every single person is at their shittiest. Celebrities are just like us! If you don’t have an embarrassing high school photo of yourself, you can fake one by wearing a denim jacket.

    • Here is a fun game you can play. Have Talk Show Host start the interview by saying “we here at The Show heard that you are the biggest fan of The Dookie Brothers.” “Oh my god, yes, I have both of their albums” you can say, flashing a blush. “Well, they’re here!” screams Talk Show Host. The curtain opens to reveal two men. “Are we supposed to know who these guys are? Are they The Dookie Brothers?” the crowd seems to be murmuring. They applaud nonetheless. You are beside yourself. You are crying. You fall to your knees and kiss the rings of The Dookie Brothers, who are dressed like the middle and ass sections of a horse and are presenting their rings. “We miss you, Darryl,” says one of The Dookie Brothers. Was Darryl the front of the horse? Was there a third Dookie Brother? We’ll never know! That’s showbiz for ya.

    • Be Australian, but just once.
    03. The Plug
    Celebrities go on talk shows for a reason, people. We’re not just out here fucking around. We’re here to sell ourselves. The way we do this is by plugging our wares for all to see. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen a “celeb” (biz talk for celebrity) crush the entrance and bit phases of their talk show appearance, only to be foiled by the plug. Here is a classic example of a plug gone wrong:

    Aaaand freeze! Now what exactly went wrong here? Look closesly. That’s right: this guest is WAY too eager and also badly dressed. You have to play it cool! Use this handy template for a perfect plug:

    This way, the audience gets a taste of your art and you seem cool and aloof. Don’t forget to shrug adorably when the clip ends and the cameras cut back to you! Li’l ol’ you? A celeb? Yes? YES!!
    04.  Bonus Tip: Talk Lots of Shit
    These days, America is famished for perfectly marbled celebrity beef. Don’t be shy. If you’re dropping names you might as well step on them. (ex: “The rumors that I started are true, I am in a feud with one of the guys from the show Suits. No, not that guy, the other guy.”) Bonus points if you trash talk other talk shows. (ex: “You know what I like about you, Jimmy/Jimmy/John? You’re not a complete hack like Gordan Puntarelle.”)

    Well, those are all of the tips and tricks I know. And I would know! If you have a talk show and would like to have me on the talk show to promote my new book How To Be on a Talk Show, then I will gladly be on your talk show to talk about it.

    See you in Hollywood!
    Thank You Writing
    Music
    ©2025