New York City vs. Los Angeles

Few people on this earth have been to both coasts of the United States of America. I was born in New York City during a hurricane and raised to be Mayor. Now almost pre-30, I have decided that what I really want to do is be a rich actor. Last week I granted myself 3 days, American, to go to LA and achieve my dream. When I got off the plane at Los Angeles X, I was violently kicked in the head by all the subtle differences between Los Angeles and New York City. I did a quick search on The Internet to see if anyone had catalogued these differences in a list or perhaps even in a listicle, but found nothing. Here is my list:

(Note: “New York City” has been shortened to “NYC,” for “Nice, your city.”)

In NYC, we have fresh bagels every morning. In LA, everyone drives an electric car to work.

In NYC, hotels have cool, sleek names like “The Annihilator’s Kiss” and “Sleep No More.” In LA, all the hotels are nameless, and you have to go down to the lobby and ask someone if you are sleeping in the right place.

In NYC, I saw a snake once in the gutter where it belonged. In LA, snakes are everywhere: working in the shops and in my car.

In NYC, no one says “hello.” In LA, everyone says “hello” and nothing else.

In NYC, I have a mom and a dad that live in the same town as me. In LA, my mom and dad live far, far away.

In NYC, there are bike lanes on the streets AND you can get a real New York Slice™ at Joe’s Pizza for one buck-twenty-five. In LA, the bike lanes are great but the pizza is just lettuce and tomatoes in a bowl with dressing.

In NYC, everyone tells me to “forget about it.” I miss that. In LA, everyone tells me to remember what I saw here tonight.

In NYC, I take a cab to the subway. In LA, there is only one long subway that covers the entire length of the subway system and you have get in and walk through the cars to your destination because the train does not move.

In NYC, you can see “Hamilton” on Broadway. In LA, you can eat avocados until you bleed a creamy green.

In NYC, the rats play music on tiny instruments made of tin cans and old shoes. In LA, the rats are too hot to play their instruments because the sun is much closer to the earth.

In NYC, it snows every Christmas. In LA, I’m not sure they even have Christmas, but I see a lot of people that have the same haircut as Jesus.

In NYC, nobody wears a hat because, back in the 2000s, there was a man who would grab hats right off of people’s heads and run away and he ruined hats for everyone. In LA, you are required to wear multiple hats and encouraged to grab more. I actually like this about LA.

In NYC, we’ve got the tallest building in the world, but it is empty. In LA, they have the longest building in the world and everyone lives there.

In NYC, I gotta have my cup-a-coffee™. In LA, I drink water with leaves in it.

Those are all of the differences I have noticed so far. I’m off to audition for a “sitcom” (situation com.) The character is called “hipster.” I’m not sure what that is, we don’t have them in New York.

Update: I didn’t get the part.