Ways That I Have Been Introduced

Now here is the only man I know who looks dumber with glasses on…

Ladies and gentlemen… Bongo Boy!

And now a man who told me to tell all of you that he is the tallest person at this wedding…

This is… David?

Someone who probably knows the type of train we are on.

Our next speaker is a man who does not know the meaning of the words “do not drink, fountain contaminated!!”

A young Bernie Sanders in appearance and voice only…

Four-time Napolean Dynamite Look-Alike Contest runner-up…

An adult who looks like an alien dressed as what a child thinks an adult looks like…

A man with the biggest fear of the jungle than anyone I have ever met…

David, right?

A real goody-bad-shoes…

And now, someone who has either never seen a single episode of The X-Files or has seen every episode of The X-Files many times…

This is the guy who made my boyfriend’s Halloween costume!

Captain of the Corn on the Cob Club…

Warm seltzer’s #1 fan...
This is the man who says he knows how to stop the meteor but he is just so wrong…

(Said with utter disgust) Soup connoisseur…

I am excited to introduce to you my very good friend David...

The falsetto with the “screaming eyes”…

This is the guy I was telling you about, the guy who knows the difference between a chowder and a bisque and loves to explain. David, right?

“Basketball Jones!”

Proud Monkeybone enthusiast…

Reverse-gymnast…

My son, David.

Slender-Man’s fat cousin…

You’re the guy that calls every morning and orders a “days-worth” of minestrone. I got you.

This is the man who could have saved your husband but instead chose to shout the color of the car speeding towards him...

Self-proclaimed puppeteer…

Next up is a man who says he lets his miniature flugelhorn do the talking…

Hey, guy sneezing in the doorway, I can only say “bless-you” a finite number of times. Now either have a seat or please leave this lecture about how bugs fuck.

The guy who should be more like his brother, David.